Being that I’m in Wyoming I suppose it’s time to come clean about what happened here during our caucus – the terrible secrets and scheming are honestly just too much to bear. Clearly Trump and his supporters were totes cheated here in Wyoming and they deserve to know the truth.
May the GOP have mercy on our souls…
The year was 1890 in the newly formed state of Wyoming, and a bunch of GOP elitist cowpokes were sitting around a campfire talking about horses and guns because yeah, that’s what they talked about then. One particular elitist, a John W. Smith out of the Cody area, took a drink of his sarsaparilly and said, “Ya’ know, in 126 years this feller by the name of Donald J. Trump is gonna run for president and boy howdy, we shore don’t want that,” (see, I’m writing him with an accent so you can get the full experience).
Another elitist by the name of Big George Wilson -who had all of his teeth no less- nearly choked on his sarsaprilly and piped up, “Tarnation! We cain’t have that! We better start putting a plan in place NOW to keep that varmint outta office,” (ok, so Big George sounds a little like Yosemite Sam… sue me).
So John, George, Paul and Ringo… errr… I mean Bob, yeah that’s it, Bob, sat around that campfire plotting to make sure the establishment would keep one Donald J. Trump out of the White House, even though it was still 126 years away. See out here in the west we have to plan really super early because of the mountains and stuff. Luckily they wrote everything down so over a century later the good people of Wyoming could FINALLY enact their evil plot to cheat the Trump people out of their vote.
DIABOLICAL I TELL YOU. YEEEHAW!
For the first time ever I am sharing a few of the more important details of how we made sure Trump did badly in Wyoming – Trumpers may want to take notes.
- We made sure women COULD vote here – yes, Wyoming was the first state in the union to give women the right to vote, and considering 70%+ of women despise Trump this played a large part in our process to STEAL his delegates.
- In Wyoming we have a caucus and a convention which truly is a representative republic at work – we elect our delegates here to represent us, which is ultimately what the founders intended when they created our REPUBLIC. Apparently this whole “being a republic” thing is cheating to Trump and Trump supporters… MWAHAHAH!
- Candidates were invited to come here and speak to and with us… super sneaky. You see in Wyoming we take our politics very personally and we expect a lot from the people we vote for – we’re not fans of talking points, rhetoric and drama, we want to hear your facts, your ideas and your policies. Clearly this also put Trump at a disadvantage. Take that Trump campaign!
- Oh yeah, and we deliberately made it snow so Palin would cancel on us – or she got confused and thought she wasn’t supposed to be here? Not sure on that. Side note, the scheming snow did not keep Cruz from coming here and speaking.
- We don’t let Democrats vote in our GOP process here – this is the ultimate cheat, right? You see, we understand Democrats may be tempted to sabotage the process and give us a candidate we don’t want (sound familiar?) and so yeah, we don’t let that happen. Ever. WE’RE SUCH CHEATERS.
- And of course most importantly, never squat with your spurs on – ok, not sure what this has to do with keeping Trump out of the White House BUT it’s good, sound advice.
There are a few other parts about making sure everyone carries a writing utensil if Trump visits the state (even the elitist cowboys knew Trump would be scared of pens way back then), some details about how we only support candidates who wear cowboy boots and eat their steaks RARE but you get the gist… we’ve been plotting for over a century to “steal” delegates from Trump.
Shew! Talk about planning and perseverance… boy howdy.